Liberate Your Story Podcast

Welcome to my podcast episode, Bargaining with Patriarchy. I'm Jessicah Travis, and today we're exploring a concept developed by sociologist Denise Candiotti called the Patriarchal Bargain. It describes how people, especially women, learn to navigate systems of inequality by adapting to gender expectations in order to gain safety, respect, and stability. But today I want to expand on that idea. What does bargaining with patriarchy look like for men or for non binary people?

And what do these bargains cost us all? Candiodi's theory explains that patriarchy is a system where men collectively hold power over women. But within that system, women find different strategies to survive or gain influence. For example, a woman might emphasize being nurturing or agreeable to be accepted, even if it limits her authority. Men on the other hand may bargain by performing toughness and emotional restraint to prove they belong in the hierarchy of masculinity.

And non binary people often face the hardest bargains of all constantly negotiating their authenticity against the safety and comfort of fitting in. Let's hear from three people about how they experience these gender expectations in everyday life.

My name is Mikalah. I identify as female and I use she/her pronouns.

My name is Casey. I identify as male. I use the pronouns he/him.

Hi, I'm Andy. I identify as non binary and I use they/them pronouns.

Okay. So I grew up in a Christian evangelical church, and I was often told things like, because I was a pastor's kid, I was kind of always there early for the services and everything like that. So there's a lot of time when people would walk in, especially in the older crowds, the older men and older women would walk up. If I wasn't immediately smiling, they'd tell me I should smile more. And basically every one of them, you know, they'd come up and want to give you hugs.

If you didn't exactly want to give a hug or kind of did it halfway, then they'd act like you were in a bad mood or something like that. So I feel like something I gave up was my personal space and my boundaries, maybe, so that these people would think that, wouldn't always question why I was not happy or not in a bad mood, I guess.

What she describes here mirrors Kandiote's idea gaining safety or belonging by conforming to expectations of femininity.

As a guy growing up in a patriarchally friendly household, I always had to feel like I was in control of myself, but then also be in charge of situations. Can't really say when I'm struggling or feeling emotional. Certainly can't show emotion. It would make me look weak. So that's just not an option.

I think that's my bargain.

This is what our textbook calls hegemonic masculinity, the dominant form of masculinity that prizes power and emotional toughness, even though it hurts men too.

I feel like I've actually made a lot of bargains throughout my life. Like coming to like my gender identity and what I am or what I'm not. Like I'm AFAB, which is assigned female at birth. And so growing up, experienced day and age. And I'm still very fem, which shortened for feminine.

Like I'm like, like fem. And so in day in, day out of life that are not my family or my friends, I've really come to find that I'm on this like mask. And if I can be more comfortable presenting as more like just, like, really no around coworkers. I find that I'm we just, everyone uses she, her, her pronouns. And if I dress a little bit more masculine, I get weird looks.

If I cut my hair too short, I get called terrible things sometimes. And it's just, I don't know, it's like I'm okay with it all, even though I'm not and more confident or something. I don't know. I'm just for now, I have to feel I feel like I have to just keep presenting as more feminine.

Patriarchal systems don't only limit women, they punish anyone who doesn't fit the binary. Every person learns which rules are safest to follow and which ones come at too high a cost. I think about the invisible deals we all make in workplaces, relationships, and even with ourselves. Patriarchy is often portrayed as benefiting men and hurting women. But in reality, it creates narrow painful boxes for everyone.

For women, it rewards passivity. For men, it demands dominance. And for non binary people, it denies existence altogether. By recognizing these patterns, we can start to renegotiate, to stop trading authenticity for approval. In the book, Gender Ideas, Interactions, Institutions, authors Lisa Wade and Myra Marks Ferri remind us that gender isn't fixed.

It's something we learn and perform. And if it's learned, it can also be unlearned. The more we understand the bargains we make, the closer we come to equality. Not by blaming individuals, but by challenging the system that make these bargains necessary. What will it take to change how we do gender?

So here's my question for you. What bargains have you made with patriarchy? And what would it take to stop making them? So what if we could commit to ongoing unlearning and an expansion of our understanding of gender? Could we then free all of us to live a life of authenticity, equality, and celebrated diversity?

Could we become the kind of people who no longer perform, but instead thrive? Could we cease the charge of changing each other and instead embrace the adventure of realizing one another. What if we stopped making gender deals one day at a time? Thanks for listening. And if this sparked something for you, talk about it, share it.

Let's make new kinds of deals, ones based on truth, equality, and empathy.